Zac's.

Nobody fucking understands the fucking pressure I’m under. Not even you. If I’m supposed to protect everyone’s feelings who the fuck is gonna protect mine.

Don’t fucking judge & make it seem easy unless you tried being my mum’s daughter for a day.

Saw a picture on Sheryl’s tumblr.

“Travel in your dreams.”

Speaks my mind exactly too.

For 18 years of my life, I lived without a goal. I went through life the way a normal singapore teenager would. I never dreamed. One thing I know, I loved singing. And can sing quite a bit.

All the way till primary 4, whenever asked what my ambition was, I said singer. As I grew older, I felt ashamed to say it. I had no confidence. I was afraid it’d sound ridiculous. And that dream gradually faded away.

Weeks or months ago, when asked my dream, I’d not know what to say. Simply because I don’t have a dream. Or rather I never thought of one.

After visiting England, seeing the fact that Stacia, Mentari, and many others are feeling happy with their everyday life, I started wondering what the hell I was doing. I was so envious of them. Living in the streets of manchester, having fun everyday. Me? Going to work everyday, hanging out with my girlfriend all day, sleeping all day. I’ve been wasting my life away, failing to enjoy it and live it to the fullest, like I always say I would.

I started thinking. What is my hobby. What have I been wanting to do. Who’s the person I’ve always wanted to be. What are my dreams. I can’t be 100% sure these are, but for now they go smth like these:

I love playing music. I do think there is potential in my voice. I love sharing it with my friends. I love singing to my girl. Idk if its because I’m not passionate about it enough or I simply don’t see hope in it, that I don’t wna try to learn music and make it a career. When I was young, I’ve always wanted to be famous. To sing to the world. As I grew, I grew ashamed of my dream. I can’t say it’s my dream now, I can’t say I still want to be a singer, but I do want to do music frequently as a past time.

I love watersports. Mainly because I love the water. I love travelling far into the waters. It makes me feel peaceful, and it’s therepeutic. Maybe there are other reasons now. Like wanting to be cool, a mindset I’m trying hard to erase. And another, I’d really love to sail my girl out to sea frequently.

I’ve always aspired to be a sporty person. I’ve always loved sports. But always too gentle, too shy to be myself and play it all out. I remember in sec4, I wanted to learn basketball but didn’t dare do it in school, didn’t dare play with the guys. I went to the cc myself a few times to play on my own. I had to pick up a skill secretly cuz I was ashamed. Ha. Talk about my past.

Till now, I still do want to do sports. I love them. I really do. I feel really happy after a game. I’ve always wanted to be part of a team and represent. I’ve always wanted to lead. For years, till now, there’s one sport I’ve been wanting to learn - Soccer. But never had the company to. I love basketball too. Volleyball if I could excel. Basically all sports. I just want to pick up as many skills as I could. Of course I wanna look cool too, I mean, who wouldn’t?! At least it’s not a main reason this time.

I’ve always wanted to be a cheerful, outgoing, happy, sporty, crazy, confident, sweet, romantic, caring, sensitive, funloving, sunshine, charismatic cute boi. (I prefer calling myself boi - boy w/o a dick created by yeo xue ying than girl simply cuz I don’t like to feel girly) Whoever this boi is, he’s my role model and what I wanna become. To me this is perfection. And I should work on my flaws to become the boi I want to be.

So finally, what is my dream?
My dream is to travel around the world, to explore every city and to experience as many things as I can in life. I want my life to be different everyday, to be adventurous, to be full of surprises. I want to migrate to the West one day, and live with the girl of my dreams. I want my career to not be a job. I want it to be something I love and enjoy doing. I want to play music to crowds, big or small. I want to be that boi I want to be. Basically I want to live my life to the fullest that I can.

Of course, for all these to even start, I need cash. Those are futuristic dreams.

My dream for now?
I want to do well in As, to get into a top university with a course that I want, for now it’s business. I want to study overseas, possibly with my girl. And for year 2012 as I’m studying for As, I want my life to not be dull. I’ll be doing watersports, driving, music, and maybe a job. I don’t want my life to be a dull routine. Never. Ever.

10years later I see myself with my girl, married in a terrace house in a Western city, with 2kids, with potato. My parents living in a home near my place. I’ll be playing music with my family, my friends. Doing sports with them. Starting a loving fun and adventurous family with my girl. I really hope this comes true. I can say, this is rly what I want my future to be.

Well nothing’s gonna come easy. I gotta thank Sheryl for her post. “If your dreams do not scare you, they are not big enough.” it means a lot to me. All of these seems so impossible now. Yet other than the singer dream, none scares me. But I do see how much hardwork it’s gonna take for me to ever live these dreams.

I wish so hard though that my girl would realise this. That she would share this mindset with me. I wish she would see this light. Because I want so much to do all of these with her. I just hope she isn’t that much of a scaredy cat and more of an adventurer. Sometimes I hope she has some of Sheryl. Baby please work with towards this dream… I wna do it tgt so badly.

Of course the huge thing I’ve to overcome - I’m one big procrastinator. It has improved tons, but I definitely need to work on it more. And I have to constantly remind myself what my priorities now are.

First step to my dream comes this saturday. Really excited to windsurf.

Time for bed! Glad I started on a lil bit of vectors. :)

Tonight, I thank Lord. I thank him for making things work for us. For granting my desperate wish weeks ago. My girl’s starting to appreciate me so much more, starting to show me she cares, starting to become an amazing girlfriend. I could ask for more, but I’m contented with this great start. And along with her, I’m changing too. To let her be independent, strong, to not spoil her too excessively anymore. This week, I learnt so much. Not just about us but about myself. I’m telling myself to be confident everyday, to be myself even if its gonna be a huge/weird change to my friends, to appreciate people around me, to be the cheerful hyper happy outspoken boi I’ve always wanted to be. It’s always been inside. Loving water sports, loving the sun, wanting to be sporty. It has always been a dream unfulfilled. And I’m living this dream right now. Thank you God for telling me what’s right, what I should do. All that’s left now to deal with are probably my parents. God I wish so hard, that I’d find away to be able to show them I love them. To stop taking them for granted. To just dare to show them I care. To get along with them. And I wish so much, that our greatest struggle, greatest disagreement will be resolved one day.

One bad thing I realised. I’ve been trying to outsmart people these days. I’ve been mocking at people. I don’t usually do this in the past. What happened. Someone tell me if this is bad. I’m gna come off as someone I hate if I continue this. But I rly rly find joy in outsmarting…….

But its making me really really proud. Its like a demon I can’t control. Maybe that’s what baby’s been talking about.

I want to do everything for myself, for my own joy, not for showing off. I want to windsurf cuz I love it, not cuz its cool. I want to pass driving cuz I wna show off. Its all so wrong. Ugh.

This will be my next goal. To stop being proud. To not do things for the sake of airing it.

Maybe deleting twitter will help. Ugh so frustrated.

Really stoked for saturday! Windsurfing and stayover with my girl. :)

lookbookdotnu:

Pursuit of happiness (by Vanessa Santos)

Disappointing. So many times. I really wonder if you’re the one. Seems like you’re the opposite of my ideal girlfriend.

I’m glad you did the right thing.
Glad it’s not for my sake, but for his.
Glad you mustered the courage to reject this guy for his own good.
He’s going to be fine.

And we will be too.

My girl’s growing up.
And so am I.

You’re already thinking of giving me up.

The fear of having to be hurt over the same reason one more time. You’ll never understand.

Maybe I was wrong.

Its scary. I’m scared. That history might repeat itself. That what I fear most right from the start will dawn on me.

But I can’t show it. Telling you won’t help. It never did.

Hate to be stronger sometimes. All the time. I need my pillar of strength too.

Why am I always the one loving more.

I love you. And I’ll never let you bear the hurt of losing me.

That day won’t come, unless you allow it to.

All the talks about God.
In fact, you decide your destiny.

(via sidewalk-game)